Have you ever wondered what life with a Chinese wife, or more specifically, a wife from mainland China might be like?
Well, I got married to one recently.
So please read on to find out about all the issues and problems that we’ve had to deal with.
Spending time together
Having hot pot with my wife. Image supplied by Kim Ooi.
If you’re a foreign teacher in China like me, it’s likely that you’ll have lots of free time.
For instance, if you’re a lecturer at university, you may have just nine hours of class time a week.
My Chinese wife, on the other hand, is very busy with her work and other commitments.
She runs a breakfast shop so she starts work at 4am every day. She has an evening job too.
On top of that, my wife is divorced so she sometimes spends time with her son from a previous marriage.
She is also obliged to attend rehearsals whenever there is an upcoming festival in the city. Miao people have a festival every month!
As a result, I hardly ever get to see her. Sometimes, she wouldn’t be home for days!
China also has a ‘996’ working culture. That means being at work from 9am till 9pm, 6 days a week.
For foreigners, life with a Chinese wife can sometimes be lonely.
Chinese women express love differently to western men
What made me particularly annoyed and irritated was what I saw as controlling behavior from my wife.
She tried to dictate when and how often I should change my clothes, bathe, wash my hair and even what I should wear.
I was furious when she tried to make me cut my hair twice in February.
What she didn’t tell me was that apparently there was a ‘lucky day’ in February in her culture and cutting one’s hair on that day was supposed to bring good luck for the rest of the year.
She even tried to ban me from consuming soft drinks and chocolates since a doctor had told her that these were bad for my health.
She on the other hand, drank heavily and prepared dishes that were laden with fat and salt. What a hypocrite!
Meanwhile, she was very reluctant to hug me or to hold my hand. A huge reason I got married in the first place was to be intimate with someone.
I felt that I didn’t need anyone to ‘mother’ me and viewed what she did as overbearing and controlling.
My Chinese wife, on the other hand, felt that she was taking care of me the only way she knew how.
Making me feel left out
My wife (right) wearing traditional Miao dress. Image supplied by Kim Ooi.
In all the years that I’ve lived and worked in China, one thing I’ve noticed is that Chinese people think nothing of making foreigners feel left out.
For instance, I was once a member of a so-called English Corner language group. But when I attended its meetings, the members spoke in Chinese.
I couldn’t understand a thing!
It was not until Caucasian and black foreigners joined the group that the members began speaking in English.
I guess they didn’t see me as a ‘real’ foreigner since I was a British Chinese.
Then, when I was a lecturer at a university in eastern China, there was once a cultural activity with lots of traditional costumes.
Whilst the organizers made a fuss of the Caucasian foreigners, as a Chinese foreigner, I was totally ignored.
The Caucasian and black foreign students were invited to try on the costumes and pose for photos but I wasn’t.
My wife once said to me, “My friends called me out to drink, bye!”. Why couldn’t she have taken me with her?
Then there was the time when she went to her hometown but didn’t take me with her because the dowry (my marriage payment to her and her family) hadn’t arrived yet.
During the Spring Festival (Chinese New Year) celebrations, her entire family played Mahjong but didn’t invite me to join in. I was left to sit alone for four hours!
I didn’t know how to play the game but I felt that they could’ve taught me or at least involved me in some way.
At the very least, they could’ve invited me to sit with them, observe and perhaps help to mix the chips at the end of each round.
And, she once attended a huge banquet with thousands of other people but didn’t take me with her.
It seems that even after marriage, a Chinese wife might still find it extremely hard to include her husband in her life.
Stepchildren
Family dinner (my wife is third from left). Image supplied by Kim Ooi.
I got married in China for the first time at the age of 51 so for me, my relationship with my wife’s son from her previous marriage was obviously a consideration.
My wife married her first husband when she was very young and so when I married her, her son was already in his early twenties.
She once went to have dinner with him by herself to console him because he had just broken up with his girlfriend.
I offered to take on a larger role in being a good stepfather to the lad but my wife told me that he preferred confiding in her.
So, at the moment, I have virtually no contact with my stepson and don’t know him too well.
I told my wife that at our age (I’m 51 and she’s 42), it’s possible that we might not have children of our own.
That being the case, my stepson would be the one who inherits my house when I pass away.
I could hardly name someone as a beneficiary in my will if I barely know them.
This is a very important consideration for anyone contemplating life with a divorced Chinese wife.
Red packets
Enjoying Chinese New Year dinner. Image supplied by Kim Ooi.
It can sometimes seem as if the only time that the Chinese interact with or invite foreigners to join them is when they can get something out of doing so.
When I was a young boy, the red packets that I received from my family usually didn’t contain more than 10 or 20 pounds.
So, I was quite shocked when I was made to spend 5,200 RMB (over US$700) on red packets during the Spring Festival.
The sheer amount of money that I was expected to spend literally gave me palpitations!
However, it seems that big red packets are customary in China these days since my mother in-law gave me a RMB 1,200 red packet.
Spring Festival in China is always an expensive time for those who share their lives with a Chinese wife.
Intimacy and sex
Although a hugely personal topic, no blog about married life would be complete without mentioning sex.
When you’re as busy as a typical Chinese adult seems to be, just finding time to be intimate can sometimes be a problem.
It seems like every time my wife is not too tired and is free to make love, her period comes and so she can’t.
However, we also do other things, like having showers together which is a major part of our sex life.
But as someone who’s had two previous Chinese girlfriends, I’d say that it’s unfair to generalize. All Chinese girls are different.
Although married life has been a huge challenge at times, it wouldn’t be fair to say that there’s nothing good about it.
In spite of all that you’ve read so far, there are also a number of upsides to married life in China. These are as follows.
Housework and cooking
My wife’s tasty home cooking. Image supplied by Kim Ooi.
In China, the gender roles are very clearly defined. The husband is the provider and the wife looks after the home.
A Chinese wife would never nag her husband for not doing enough housework.
Even the busiest Chinese wife will see it as her duty to cook the food, do the laundry and clean the house.
My wife is an excellent cook so I’ve been able to eat delicious home-cooked Chinese food every day!
Standing up for her husband
I was pleased that my wife stood up for me. Image supplied by Kim Ooi.
It’s well-known that filial piety is very strong in China.
It’s assumed that every Chinese person will always put their parents first and their partner second.
I was therefore very surprised and touched when my wife defended me in front of her parents.
We had been to our niece’s birthday party but on the way back home, I could see that she was crying.
Apparently, her family had mocked her for “getting married to a man who had brought nothing to the marriage and had not given her any face”.
She believed in me, defended me and stood by me.
Convenience
If you’re a foreigner in China, you’ll need a visa to stay in the country. For most people, this would be tied to their jobs.
If you own a house in your home country, spending as much time as possible in China makes sense because you’ll then be able to make more money from renting it out.
I recently lost my job in China. Without a Chinese wife, I would’ve been forced to go back to the UK.
But now, I can even survive without working at all because of my rental income from the UK.
Crazy adventures
My wife is a loving and caring woman but she does have flaws. One of her biggest problems is that she is a heavy drinker.
When she was drunk once, she inexplicably had the idea that I was ill.
She actually called the emergency services so the paramedics and police came round and I ended up in an ambulance with an oxygen tube up my nose!
When we got to the hospital, she called a taxi and we went back home!
Then there was the time when she got back home at 4am, obviously drunk.
She woke me up, started making wild accusations and tried to provoke me into hitting her whilst recording all this on her mobile phone.
If you’ve read this far, you’ll be in no doubt that life with a Chinese wife is full of ups and downs.
Is life with a Chinese wife worth it? I’ll let you be the judge of that.
Below, feel free to ask me a question or leave a comment.
Some of my other articles
I recently wrote about what it’s like getting married in China as a foreigner. So start with that article.
But you might like my other articles too:
And, don’t forget…
The internet is censored in China
So, if you do intend on coming over here, to find a wife or just to travel around, you’ll need a virtual private network (VPN) on your phone and laptop.
Otherwise, check out this page for a brief review of some China VPNs. Remember, you must download it before you arrive.
Main image credit: Image supplied by Kim Ooi.
FAQ about Chinese wives
Are Chinese wives faithful?
Generally yes, because infidelity is strongly frowned upon in Chinese society.
Are Chinese wives good lovers?
Some are, some aren’t, it’s hard to generalize.
Are Chinese wives clean?
Yes, they have good personal hygiene and keep the home clean and tidy.
Are Chinese wives materialistic?
Yes, many expect expensive gifts and measure a man’s worth by the size of their wallet.
